A for Arsène Wenger: The man holding Arsenal back
from the world of sacking the manager every couple of seasons. After his
worst-ever showing in the league, Wenger leaves Arsenal in transition.
We have all seen how that goes for the Gunners on the pitch.
B for Brighton: First-time in the Premier League, plucky underdogs, picked just about enough points to stay up, well done to the manager.
C for Conte: Did not get enough money for transfers from the board, so he spent £40 million on Tiemoue Bakayoko to make a statement. A season of drudgery followed, which means possibly an FA Cup triumph for a big club. For more on him, see Offended.
D for Dubious Goal: Harry Kane did not win the Golden Boot for a third time running but it was not down to a lack of trying. He swore on his daughter’s life, he roared, he rumbled, he conquered social media, and he also got the small matter of a goals appeal sorted. Eventually, it was not enough.
E for English managers - Old hands. Sam Allardyce, Roy Hodgson, Alan Pardew. You could stretch the boundaries and include David Moyes, if you like. But except for Hodgson, it is difficult to make the case that any of them proved to be an astute choice. Of course, come next season, they will be in this or another job in the Premier League. (Sean Dyche deserves an honourable exception.)
F for Firmino: The nine-and-a-half forward. Scurrying about, scoring goals, providing assists. If a squirrel played football, it would be Firmino. Some people see him as Mohamed Salah’s sidekick. They are wrong.
G for Guardiola: Previously, Fraudiola. Now the manager of the best-ever side to win the Premier League. The man who made us all believe that Fabian Delph deserves a winner’s medal.
H for Huddersfield: See Brighton.
I for Inept defending: Even the best sides this season could serve up comical lapses at the back. City’s defence memorably collapsed twice; everybody else did worse.
J for Jealous: One Paul of another Paul’s wages. So said Jose Mourinho. Pogba turned his season around as soon as Mourinho realised 4-3-3 is the way to go. What does Scholes think now?
K for Kevin de Bruyne: He passed the ball left, right, and centre. Horizontal, vertical, and diagonal. On the ground, in the air, and he dribbled it too. If you could for a moment forget about Salah, de Bruyne stands out as the best player this season.
L for Lobster: He wanted it, even though he had money only for sardines. He waited for transfer targets to take the bait as he sat on a boat in the sea. He trapped Liverpool’s Formula 1 car in the London traffic. Victories were sweet like honey, although Swansea did not taste them in its last nine games. That is a stat Carlos Carvalhal will not like.
M for Manchester City: Broke every record on the planet, and in England. Most points, most wins, most goals. Won the league with the biggest gap ever in the Premier League. For more, see Victories.
N for Negative football: Huddersfield stayed up despite scoring 28 goals. Burnley finished seventh with just 36 goals. Seven teams scored less than a goal per game. Six more sides did not even touch 50 goals in 38 matches.
O for Offended: Mourinho claims he does not jump on the sidelines like a clown. But he is a little man, said Conte. Mourinho thinks at least he was never suspended for match fixing. Both men were offended.
P for Promoted teams: For the first time in seven seasons, all three promoted sides stayed up. Rafael Benitez guided the weakest squad on paper (arguably!) to a tenth-place finish. For Brighton and Huddersfield, see either.
Q for Que sera sera: Everton, Bournemouth, West Ham, and Watford finished mid-table. It’s almost as if this has never happened before. It will never happen again (It will). Que sera sera!
R for Ronald Koeman: As if Everton’s early season form was not bad enough, he had to suffer the ignominy of being replaced by Sam Allardyce. At least, Koeman reintroduced us to the dour pleasures of the 4-2-2-2.
S for Salah: Really, you want more on him?
T for Tottenham: They keep doing it, Spurs. Another season in the Champions League beckons, the transition season at Wembley comfortably manoeuvred. Dele Alli and Eric Dier’s mediocre campaigns were astute strategic decisions to turn the suitors away. All aboard the Poch Parade (and don’t mention the silverware)!
U for Upset: Managers, players, fans, owners, everyone. Prediction: this will be the case next season too.
V for Victories: 18 in a row for Manchester City, beating the previous figure of 14 set by Arsenal over two campaigns. By the time the 18th consecutive win was accomplished, the title race had been called off.
W for West Brom: Within a period of five weeks, the Darren Moore-managed side beat Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur while drawing with Liverpool. 11 points from a possible 15 in that phase. 20 from a possible 99 otherwise. Go figure! West Brom finished bottom of the league.
X for Xherdan Shaqiri: A player so good, only Stoke can keep him. Which will probably change now that the Potters are off to the Championship. Shaqiri’s worldies must stay in the Premier League or another major continental league. Get him out of that cold, wet place.
Y for Teams with Y: Sadly, we must bid goodbye to Stoke City and Swansea City. They are among the 15 clubs in Premier League history with the letter Y in their name. But Cardiff City has been promoted and Derby County is in the Championship playoffs. Leicester City, Manchester City, Crystal Palace, and Burnley will have new compan-y.
Z for Zaha: Danny Mills thinks the Crystal Palace winger takes the easy way out, but Wilfried Zaha has proven him and a few others wrong. A star of Palace’s resurgence, the Ivory Coast international scored nine goals and contributed three assists. At the age of 25, he is ripe for another stint at a bigger club. Manchester United is in the past
B for Brighton: First-time in the Premier League, plucky underdogs, picked just about enough points to stay up, well done to the manager.
C for Conte: Did not get enough money for transfers from the board, so he spent £40 million on Tiemoue Bakayoko to make a statement. A season of drudgery followed, which means possibly an FA Cup triumph for a big club. For more on him, see Offended.
D for Dubious Goal: Harry Kane did not win the Golden Boot for a third time running but it was not down to a lack of trying. He swore on his daughter’s life, he roared, he rumbled, he conquered social media, and he also got the small matter of a goals appeal sorted. Eventually, it was not enough.
E for English managers - Old hands. Sam Allardyce, Roy Hodgson, Alan Pardew. You could stretch the boundaries and include David Moyes, if you like. But except for Hodgson, it is difficult to make the case that any of them proved to be an astute choice. Of course, come next season, they will be in this or another job in the Premier League. (Sean Dyche deserves an honourable exception.)
F for Firmino: The nine-and-a-half forward. Scurrying about, scoring goals, providing assists. If a squirrel played football, it would be Firmino. Some people see him as Mohamed Salah’s sidekick. They are wrong.
G for Guardiola: Previously, Fraudiola. Now the manager of the best-ever side to win the Premier League. The man who made us all believe that Fabian Delph deserves a winner’s medal.
H for Huddersfield: See Brighton.
I for Inept defending: Even the best sides this season could serve up comical lapses at the back. City’s defence memorably collapsed twice; everybody else did worse.
J for Jealous: One Paul of another Paul’s wages. So said Jose Mourinho. Pogba turned his season around as soon as Mourinho realised 4-3-3 is the way to go. What does Scholes think now?
K for Kevin de Bruyne: He passed the ball left, right, and centre. Horizontal, vertical, and diagonal. On the ground, in the air, and he dribbled it too. If you could for a moment forget about Salah, de Bruyne stands out as the best player this season.
L for Lobster: He wanted it, even though he had money only for sardines. He waited for transfer targets to take the bait as he sat on a boat in the sea. He trapped Liverpool’s Formula 1 car in the London traffic. Victories were sweet like honey, although Swansea did not taste them in its last nine games. That is a stat Carlos Carvalhal will not like.
M for Manchester City: Broke every record on the planet, and in England. Most points, most wins, most goals. Won the league with the biggest gap ever in the Premier League. For more, see Victories.
N for Negative football: Huddersfield stayed up despite scoring 28 goals. Burnley finished seventh with just 36 goals. Seven teams scored less than a goal per game. Six more sides did not even touch 50 goals in 38 matches.
O for Offended: Mourinho claims he does not jump on the sidelines like a clown. But he is a little man, said Conte. Mourinho thinks at least he was never suspended for match fixing. Both men were offended.
P for Promoted teams: For the first time in seven seasons, all three promoted sides stayed up. Rafael Benitez guided the weakest squad on paper (arguably!) to a tenth-place finish. For Brighton and Huddersfield, see either.
Q for Que sera sera: Everton, Bournemouth, West Ham, and Watford finished mid-table. It’s almost as if this has never happened before. It will never happen again (It will). Que sera sera!
R for Ronald Koeman: As if Everton’s early season form was not bad enough, he had to suffer the ignominy of being replaced by Sam Allardyce. At least, Koeman reintroduced us to the dour pleasures of the 4-2-2-2.
S for Salah: Really, you want more on him?
T for Tottenham: They keep doing it, Spurs. Another season in the Champions League beckons, the transition season at Wembley comfortably manoeuvred. Dele Alli and Eric Dier’s mediocre campaigns were astute strategic decisions to turn the suitors away. All aboard the Poch Parade (and don’t mention the silverware)!
U for Upset: Managers, players, fans, owners, everyone. Prediction: this will be the case next season too.
V for Victories: 18 in a row for Manchester City, beating the previous figure of 14 set by Arsenal over two campaigns. By the time the 18th consecutive win was accomplished, the title race had been called off.
W for West Brom: Within a period of five weeks, the Darren Moore-managed side beat Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur while drawing with Liverpool. 11 points from a possible 15 in that phase. 20 from a possible 99 otherwise. Go figure! West Brom finished bottom of the league.
X for Xherdan Shaqiri: A player so good, only Stoke can keep him. Which will probably change now that the Potters are off to the Championship. Shaqiri’s worldies must stay in the Premier League or another major continental league. Get him out of that cold, wet place.
Y for Teams with Y: Sadly, we must bid goodbye to Stoke City and Swansea City. They are among the 15 clubs in Premier League history with the letter Y in their name. But Cardiff City has been promoted and Derby County is in the Championship playoffs. Leicester City, Manchester City, Crystal Palace, and Burnley will have new compan-y.
Z for Zaha: Danny Mills thinks the Crystal Palace winger takes the easy way out, but Wilfried Zaha has proven him and a few others wrong. A star of Palace’s resurgence, the Ivory Coast international scored nine goals and contributed three assists. At the age of 25, he is ripe for another stint at a bigger club. Manchester United is in the past
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